When Aliens Come to Tea

Episode 42: What Sleep Scientists Won't Tell You - Ambassador Snooze McWideAwake Reveals Why Being Conscious Is Overrated

• Felix Andromeda • Episode 42

Share episode

Send us a text

Prepare to have your entire worldview flipped upside down. 

What if everything we believe about consciousness, productivity, and success is completely backwards? What if the secret to peak performance isn't staying awake longer... but sleeping through your most important decisions? 

In this mind-bending episode of When Aliens Come to Tea, we meet Ambassador Snooze McWideAwake from Somnambula XII - a civilization that conducts ALL major business while completely unconscious.

And here's the kicker: they're phenomenally successful at it.

This episode will challenge everything you think you know about:

  • Why "conscious decision-making" might be an evolutionary mistake
  • How Ambassador Snooze accidentally saved three star systems from war... while snoring
  • The terrifying truth about coffee as "liquid consciousness"
  • Why their planet considers alarm clocks a war crime
  • Revolutionary sleep-based productivity methods that put our hustle culture to shame

Most shocking moment: Ambassador Snooze solves Felix's complex tax problems while completely asleep, saving him thousands of credits through unconscious mathematical genius.

Perfect for listeners of sleep science podcasts, productivity optimization shows, and anyone fascinated by the intersection of consciousness and peak performance.

Warning: This episode may cause you to question your entire relationship with being awake.

Keywords: sleep science podcast, consciousness optimization, alien wisdom, productivity myths, science fiction podcast, space opera, alternative productivity, sleep-based decision making, unconscious intelligence, galactic diplomacy

Support the show

[sleep-mumbling] Mmm... productivity is just... anxiety in a three-piece suit...

[deadpan] GALACTIC WELLNESS ADVISORY:

Today's guest considers consciousness a medical emergency... [concerned] Felix has been instructed NOT to offer caffeine. The diplomatic fallout would be... significant.[warmly] [laughs] Across the stars, through your speakers... and straight into what might be the most relaxing existential crisis you'll ever experience...[cheerfully] Welcome to When Aliens Come to Tea! Where the tea is hot, the conversation flows, and today's guest keeps falling asleep mid-sentence in the most ENLIGHTENING ways possible![warmly] I'm Felix Andromeda, your host, certified tea enthusiast, and currently the only person in this studio fighting to stay awake. [whispers] Which, according to our guest, makes me the primitive one. [normal voice] [curious] And you know what? After hearing their philosophy... they might have a point.[excited] Today, we're joined by Ambassador Snooze McWideAwake from Somnambula XII, a planet where the ENTIRE population conducts business, maintains relationships, and negotiates peace treaties... while completely unconscious! Snooze is their most "awake" citizen at TWO hours of consciousness daily. [laughs] They've already dozed off twice during sound check... [warmly] and somehow solved my tax problems while snoring! They're here to discuss their fitness program "Snore Your Way to Success," their theory that insomnia is evolution trying to happen, and... [short pause] [incredulous] ...why they believe alarm clocks constitute a war crime. Today's conversation explores the universal need for rest, humanity's bizarre obsession with conscious productivity... [laughs] ...and why their planet's stock market only trades during collective nap time.[mischievously] We'll discover what happens when a civilization that treats caffeine as a controlled substance meets Earth's coffee culture. [warmly] Spoiler alert: Snooze cried actual tears when they learned about energy drinks. Plus, their dating app that matches people by dream frequencies, and... [incredulous] Oh, for the love of Earl Grey... they're trying to tuck me in RIGHT NOW.[deadpan] Adjusting studio temperature to optimal napping conditions. [short pause] Against my better judgment.[laughs] [warmly] So grab your favorite mug, find your coziest listening spot, and try NOT to fall asleep... [whispers] though honestly, Snooze would consider that the highest compliment.

Here's today's burning question:

If your entire species achieved enlightenment through sleeping... [pause] ...would pulling an all-nighter be considered devolution?[excited] Let's find out, as we welcome the galaxy's proudest professional napper to... [laughs] ...When Aliens Come to Tea![whispers] [amused] Already asleep again. [normal voice] [warmly] This is going to be FASCINATING.[warmly] Ambassador Snooze McWideAwake, welcome to When Aliens Come to—[sleep-talking] Mmm... diversify the portfolio... carry the seven... claim the nebula dust as a deduction...[long pause] [incredulous] Are you... are you solving my tax problems while unconscious?[drowsily stirring awake] Hmm? Oh! [yawns] Was I talking again? [casually] Your amended return should save you roughly 3,400 credits. [yawns] You've been overpaying on your asteroid mining dividends.[bewildered] This is either genius or I'm having the weirdest Tuesday of my life. [normal voice] [laughs] Please, have a seat... or, um, should I say, find your optimal resting position?[curious] I see you've brought your own pillow-briefcase hybrid. Should I be concerned that it's... breathing?[proudly] Oh, this? It's a Somnambulan Smart Pillow! [affectionately] It monitors my REM cycles and takes notes during my power naps. [PAUSE: 1 second] Say hello, Mr. Fluffington.[laughs] Of course it has a name. [warmly] Well, Mr. Fluffington is very welcome here too. Now, STEEP has prepared our special "Decaffeinated Dreamtime Blend" at your request...[deadpan] Temperature optimized to 98.3 degrees. Soporific herbs included. [short pause] The coffee machine remains in protective custody.[curious] And those bottles you've brought... [incredulous] Are these ANTI-energy drinks? What do they even DO?[enthusiastically] Oh, these are fantastic! "Lethargy Lemonade" and "Comatose Cola"! [proudly] They reduce consciousness by 40% while maintaining basic motor functions. [yawns] Want to try one?[quickly] I'm... I'm good with my tea, thanks. [curious] Your assistant mentioned something about "ceremonial yawning" before tea service?[formally] Ah yes, it's traditional. [yawns] We begin all important meetings with the Three Sacred Yawns to achieve... [yawns] ...optimal mental... [big yawn] ...receptivity.[yawns involuntarily] Oh god, it's contagious even across species! [laughs] [yawning while talking] This is ridiculous![yawn][laughs][recovering] You know, back on Earth Classic, they used to say tea helps you "wake up and smell the roses." Here on Terra Nova, we say "caffeinate and contemplate the cosmos." [curious] I'm guessing on Somnambula XII, you'd say...?[matter-of-factly] "Sleep deep and dream the garden." [philosophically] Tea isn't for consciousness, Felix. It's for achieving optimal

unconscious clarity. [PAUSE:

1 second] Your species has it completely backward.[laughs] So tea isn't for waking up, it's for... strategic sleeping? [shakes head] Oh, for the love of Earl Grey![intrigued] Now, your bio mentions a rather legendary diplomatic incident. You fell asleep during a crucial peace treaty signing and somehow negotiated BETTER terms while snoring. [incredulous] How does one accidentally excel at unconscious diplomacy?[proudly] Oh, the Rigellian Conflict Resolution! [chuckles] Yes, I dozed off during clause seventeen... [thoughtfully] Apparently, I sleep-negotiated a 30% reduction in tariffs, established three new trade routes, AND convinced both sides to name a holiday after my pillow.[astonished] What exactly did you SAY in your sleep that was so convincing?[sheepishly] According to the transcript, I kept mumbling about "sharing the cosmic blankie" and how "everyone needs their nap time." [pause] The Rigellians found it profoundly wise. They now have mandatory siestas.[laughs] Wait, wait... Do all your planet's contracts have a "snore clause"?[seriously] Section 37-B of all standard agreements. [yawns] "All terms negotiated during REM sleep are legally binding and spiritually enhanced."[deadpan] The Intergalactic Bar Association has filed seventeen complaints about this practice. [short pause] Three law schools now offer courses in "Unconscious Jurisprudence." Prerequisites include Advanced Napping and Remedial Snoring.[pause, processing] [incredulous] I'm sorry, did you just say there are actual COLLEGE COURSES on how to be unconscious in court?[deadpan] Yale-Ganymede's program is particularly prestigious. Their mock trial competitions are conducted entirely during collective REM cycles.[laughs] I can't tell if this is the evolution of legal education or its complete breakdown.[proudly] My nephew just got his Masters in Sleep Law! [excitedly] His thesis was written entirely while sleepwalking![laughs harder] Is there video of your treaty incident? Please tell me there's video.[proudly] It won three Galactic Documentary Awards! [excited] The moment where I snore-signed the treaty while hugging the Rigellian ambassador is considered high art on seven planets![gently] Ambassador? [louder] Ambassador![startling awake] What? Oh! [apologetically] Sorry, you were being very soothing. [suddenly alert] Oh! You passed the Conversational Consciousness Test! [proudly] Most species can't stay awake while discussing sleep theory.[confused] That was a test?[matter-of-factly] Everything is a test when you're a diplomat. [thoughtfully] Your yawn patterns indicate excellent potential for unconscious leadership.[amused] Right. So, your bio mentions you once were FORCED to stay awake for an entire Earth Classic day. Some kind of... incident? [curious] What exactly happened?[shuddering] The wake-field malfunction of 2387.[dramatically] Our embassy's sleep-regulation system broke during trade negotiations with the Insomniacs of Vigil Prime. [traumatized] Twenty-four consecutive hours of AWARENESS.[sympathetically] That sounds... rough?[upset] Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to be constantly perceiving things? [dramatically] I had to make DECISIONS

while AWAKE! For HOURS! [PAUSE:

1 second] I saw a sunrise, Felix. The whole thing. While CONSCIOUS. [whispers] It was horrible.[trying not to laugh] The... the sunrise was horrible?[seriously] All that light! And the birds! [incredulous] They just start screaming at each other at dawn! For NO REASON! [short pause] Your Terra Novan architecture... all those floating gardens and crystal spires... don't they make it harder to nap?[laughs] The anti-gravity sleeping pods are actually quite comfortable. Though I'll admit, I miss the simple beds of Earth Classic. [curious] But wait, if being awake for 24 hours was torture, what's your VOLUNTARY record?[proudly] Two hours and SEVENTEEN minutes! [boastfully] Completely intentional, no wake-field generators involved. I have the certificate.[laughs] So let me get this straight... You conduct interGALACTIC negotiations while completely unconscious, resolve conflicts through synchronized dreaming, and your highest VOLUNTARY achievement is staying awake for TWO whole hours? [incredulous] Our Earth Classic ancestors called that "hitting the snooze button!" We call it "surviving Monday." That's two hours and seventeen minutes of CHOSEN consciousness, Felix! [proudly] Very different from being trapped awake against your will. [thoughtfully] The Vigil Prime incident required three weeks of therapeutic coma to recover from.[bewildered] They needed three weeks of medical sleep because they accidentally experienced one of our regular Tuesdays.[deadpan] Medical records indicate Ambassador Snooze still suffers from Post-Consciousness

Stress Disorder. [PAUSE:

0.5 seconds] Symptoms include fear of alarm clocks and involuntary flinching at the word "deadline."[shuddering] Please don't say that word. And this side gig... "Snore Your Way to Success"... Walk me through a typical workout.[enthusiastically] Oh, it's revolutionary! We start with deep REM stretches, then move into power-nap intervals. [demonstrating with closed eyes] Twenty seconds of light dozing, ten seconds of deeper sleep, repeat! [excitedly] Then we do dream yoga, unconscious pilates, and finish with a forty-five-minute recovery coma![incredulous] Hold up. You're telling me your planet has gym memberships for BEDS?[matter-of-factly] Of course! How else would you build your sleep stamina?[mimicking trainer voice] "Okay, deeper REM cycle, you got this! Feel that dream burn! No pain, no brain... waves!"[excitedly] Exactly! You're a natural! [hopefully] Would you like to join? First nap is free![deadpan] Felix's cortisol levels suggest he would not survive Somnambulan

fitness training. [PAUSE:

0.5 seconds] His caffeine dependency alone disqualifies him.[defensive] Hey! [curious] Speaking of which, what IS your personal record? Like, what achievement are you most proud of?[proudly] I once power-napped through a Category 5 meteor shower while simultaneously negotiating mining rights with the Asteroid Union. [casually] Saved three colonies AND got us exclusive drilling permits. The space rocks actually WAITED for me to finish my REM cycle before impacting![bewildered] I can't even sleep through my neighbor's atmospheric jazz practice at 3 AM, and this person's out here doing interplanetary real estate deals during natural disasters. [PAUSE: 1 second] [to Snooze] The Asteroid Union sends you HOLIDAY CARDS?[warmly] Oh yes! Lovely beings. Very considerate about orbital patterns. [yawns] They throw the quietest parties in the galaxy.[mischievously] Listeners, Ambassador Snooze has issued the official "Somnambulan Competency Challenge." [excited] Ready? Touch your nose with your right hand, pat your head with your left hand, and hop on one foot while explaining quantum mechanics to an imaginary houseplant.[sleepily impressed] Oh, that's a good one. [matter-of-factly] We use that exact test to select our Supreme Court Justices.[incredulous] Your SUPREME COURT selection involves houseplant physics lectures?! How else would you determine legal competency? [thoughtfully] Plants are excellent judges of character. Very impartial. They don't hold grudges.[laughs] Record yourself attempting this challenge and tag us with and . [excited] The most creative failure wins "Honorary Pillow Ambassador" status from Somnambula XII.[deadpan] Current bioscan data indicates 96% of

listeners attempted this challenge. [PAUSE:

0.5 seconds] Furniture damage reports are incoming.[laughing] We're not liable for injuries, but we ARE very curious about your unconscious coordination scores![carefully] I notice STEEP has locked away our usual refreshment station. [curious] Should I be concerned about your species' reaction to... certain Earth Classic beverages?[tensing up] You mean... [whispers fearfully]...your ancestors' liquid consciousness?[trying not to laugh] The... liquid consciousness?[shuddering] The... [can barely say it] ...c-c-coffee.[deadpan] Ambassador's stress indicators spiked 347% at the mention of caffeinated

substances. [PAUSE:

0.5 seconds] The coffee machine remains in protective custody per Intergalactic Safety Protocol 7-Alpha.[intrigued] Okay, filing that under "cultural mysteries to explore later." [to audience] Trust me folks, we're definitely coming back to this.[thoughtfully] You know what though? [warmly] There's something beautiful about a civilization that values rest above everything else. [PAUSE: 1 second] We're all so busy trying to DO everything that we forget to just... be.[wisely, half-asleep] Your species runs on anxiety disguised as ambition, Felix. [gently] You've confused motion with progress. [yawns] We discovered long ago that the best ideas come when you stop trying to have them.[quietly] Yeah... we really do.[curious] Before we dive deeper, Ambassador, I have to know... Your planet's dating app matches people by "compatible dream frequencies." [pause] Does this mean you've literally been dating in your sleep?[perking up slightly] [romantically drowsy] Oh, Felix... wait until you hear about synchronized snoring compatibility scores...[laughs] [to audience] And on that note, we're going to take a brief pause to... well, to wake our guest back up. [warmly] When we return, more revelations about romance, REM cycles, and why the Ambassador believes alarm clocks constitute a war crime. You're listening to When Aliens Come to Tea. [whispers] And somehow, I'm the weird one for being awake.[curious] So Ambassador, synchronized snoring compatibility scores... [laughs] but before we get to that delightful disaster of a story, I need to know something. [thoughtfully] What's your earliest memory of realizing you were different from other Somnambulans?[laughs softly] Oh, Felix. [fondly] I was four solar cycles old, at my first Sacred Nap Ceremony. Every child on Somnambula XII participates. It's beautiful - hundreds of younglings achieving synchronized unconsciousness to honor the Dream Mothers.[warmly] That sounds lovely. What happened?

[sheepishly] I... stayed awake. [PAUSE:

2 seconds] Everyone else was deep in ceremonial slumber, and there I was, eyes wide open, watching the ceiling murals move. [chuckles] I tried SO hard to sleep. I counted sheep, I counted nebulae, I even counted counting itself![laughing] You counted counting? How does that even work?[matter-of-factly] One count, two counts, three counts... [trails off] It doesn't. That's when I noticed little Dreema starting to roll off her ceremonial cushion toward the meditation fountain.[quietly] I caught her. Mid-fall. Because I was the only one awake to see it.[softer, realizing] Oh... [short pause] You saved her.[wistfully] The ceremony masters called it a

catastrophic failure. [PAUSE:

1 second] My parents cried for weeks. Their child couldn't even sleep properly. [warmly] But Dreema's parents... they called me their "Wakeful Guardian."[gently] That must have been confusing for a four-year-old.[thoughtfully] I learned that day that being broken... [PAUSE: 2 seconds] ...sometimes means being exactly where the universe needs you.[carefully] Your parents though... they sent you somewhere after that, didn't they?[laughs] Oh yes! The Somnolescent Excellence Academy! [trying to stay light] Basically, unconsciousness camp for defective children. They had specialized sleep chambers, dream therapists, even a machine that played the sound of the universe yawning.[incredulous] The universe... yawning?[deadpan] The sound is surprisingly motivational. [PAUSE: 0.5 seconds] I am acquiring the audio file now. [processing sound] [concerned] Felix is making urgent hand gestures indicating I should not. Seven years I spent there. Every

summer. [PAUSE:

2 seconds] They tried everything. Hypnosis, counted breathing, even reverse psychology where they commanded me to stay awake.[gently] Did any of it work?

[softly] I learned to fake it. [PAUSE:

1 second] To spare my parents the shame. I'd lie perfectly still for hours, breathing deeply, even practiced snoring. [sadder] They were so proud when I "graduated."[quietly] But you were still awake. Always. Well, for my two hours anyway.[shifting energy] Okay, I have to ask about your first diplomatic mission. [leaning in] Your bio calls it, and I quote, "an unprecedented catastrophe that accidentally prevented galactic war."[brightening slightly] [laughs] Oh, the Triangulum Incident! [excited] Picture this: forty-seven species, three star systems on the brink of war over mining rights, and me - the junior attaché who was only there to hold the Somnambulan ambassador's pillow![amused] You were a pillow-holder?[proudly] Assistant Deputy Cushion Coordinator, technically. [more seriously] But our senior ambassador got dream-sick an hour before negotiations. Food poisoning from bad nebula shrimp. So there I was, twenty-three years old, representing our entire star system.[increasingly worried] Oh no...[building the story] The Rigellians were demanding 80% of the asteroid belt. The Vegans wanted exclusive rights to the gas giants. The Arcturians just wanted everyone to stop yelling. [dramatically] And I... I'd been fighting my natural sleep cycle for ninety minutes straight. My body was SCREAMING for unconsciousness.[anticipating disaster] What happened?[matter-of-factly] My body won. I fell asleep. Right in the middle of the sovereignty clause. Face-first into the treaty documents. [embarrassed] According to witnesses, there was... significant drool.[horrified] NO![continuing] But here's the thing, Felix. According to the other diplomats - and Mr. Fluffington's recording - I started sleep-talking. [wistfully] He says I mumbled, [drowsily] "Why don't we just share? Like a really big cosmic nap blanket?"[confused] And that... worked?[amazed] They tell me the applause woke me up twenty minutes later! [excitedly] Apparently, my unconscious mumbling about "everyone getting a corner of the blankie" and "no hogging the cosmic pillows" created the perfect metaphor for resource distribution! [touching pillow] I've watched Mr. Fluffington's recording hundreds of times, trying to feel like I was actually there for my own triumph.[deadpan] The Triangulum Accords, based entirely on naptime sharing principles, have prevented seventeen conflicts. [short pause] They are studied at the Diplomatic Academy as "Accidental Genius: When Failure Succeeds."[laughing but also moved] You literally sleep-negotiated peace... and don't even remember it! My grandmother used to say, "Truth lives in dreams, politics lives in waking." [short pause] That day proved she was right. We Somnambulans believe conscious minds can lie, but sleeping minds can't. That's why all our important decisions happen during REM sleep. [sadly] I just wish I could remember making them.[thoughtfully] That's both beautiful and heartbreaking. [carefully] You've saved civilizations while sleeping. What has that success cost you personally? It's strange, Felix. [struggling] Personal connections - love, family, fear - they leave echoes even in unconsciousness. Shadows. Fragments. [sadly] But my greatest professional achievements? They just... vanish. [long pause] I'm famous for things I've never actually experienced.[softly] That's like winning the race but never feeling the finish line.[with pain] Exactly! Everyone congratulates me on negotiations I only know from recordings. They quote my "brilliant sleep speeches" that feel like watching a stranger who happens to look like me. [getting emotional] Do you know what it's like to be a hero in everyone else's story but not your own?[gently] Is that why Mr. Fluffington means so much to you?[softly] How did you...?[kindly] He's been recording everything, hasn't he? He's your witness.[emotional] [quietly] He's my bridge between selves. During my two conscious hours AND my twenty-three sleeping ones. [long pause] [barely audible] Without him, half my life would be completely lost. With him... at least I can watch myself live.[very gently] Tell me about the synchronized dream dating.[laughs] [brightening] Oh! [excited] Well, on Somnambula XII, romance happens in shared dreamscapes! You match with someone whose REM patterns complement yours, and you literally share dreams![curious] That sounds incredibly intimate.[wistfully] My partner would wake up during their conscious hour and tell me about the worlds we created together - lavender oceans, singing mountains, cities made of crystallized laughter! [softly] I remember pieces... like trying to hold onto water. Fragments of feelings. The echo of joy. love, but only in fragments? Mr. Fluffington recorded our dream-dates. [sadly] Sometimes I watch them, seeing myself laugh at jokes I'll never hear, sharing moments I'll never feel. [PAUSE: 2 seconds] It's like being homesick for a place you've never been.[softly] Being with someone but feeling

alone... [PAUSE:

1 second] I think every species knows that feeling. They'd describe our adventures - the dragons we fought together, the poems we wrote in clouds. [sadly] And I'd nod and smile, holding onto the shadows of memories, pretending the fragments were enough.[redirecting gently] Tell me about Vigil Prime. The twenty-four hours of forced consciousness.[shuddering] [with humor masking trauma] The

wake-field malfunction! Hour one:

"I can handle this, it's just extended awareness!" Hour six:

"Why is everything so BRIGHT?" Hour twelve:

[getting frantic] "I'm experiencing every second SEQUENTIALLY. This is torture!" Hour twenty-four: [dramatically] "THE SUNRISE IS SCREAMING!"[laughing] The sunrise was screaming? Have you actually listened to dawn, Felix? [incredulous] The birds don't sing - they SHRIEK territorial challenges! The light doesn't rise - it ATTACKS! [getting worked up] And morning people! They're so aggressively cheerful about being conscious! [shuddering] That experience is burned into my memory. Every. Sequential. Second.[deadpan] Ambassador's review of extended

consciousness: One star. [PAUSE:

0.5 seconds] "Would not recommend. Reality too persistent. Existence unnecessarily sequential."[curious] But something changed after Vigil Prime, didn't it?[thoughtfully] I realized conscious

beings aren't wrong, Felix. [PAUSE:

1 second] They're just... different. You process reality in real-time instead of filtering it through dreams. [wonderingly] It's terrifying and beautiful. And now I understood why my two conscious hours felt so... intense.[gently] Have your parents come to understand that?[softly] We had one conversation. Fully awake. Both of them fighting their natural sleep cycles just to... [emotional] ...to really see

me during my conscious time. [PAUSE:

2 seconds] Mom said, "You're our wakeful star in a sleeping sky." [voice breaking] Dad just held my hand and didn't let go for the full two hours. [quietly] That memory... that one I have completely.[emotional] Sometimes the people who love us most take the longest to see us clearly.[composing himself] [with purpose] That's why I do this work, Felix. Someone has to bridge the gap between the sleeping and waking worlds.[stronger] That little girl I saved, Dreema? She's an ambassador now too. For wakeful species.[realizing] You didn't just save her from falling. You saved her from being alone in her difference.[warmly] We save each other. Every day. Well, every two hours in my case. Mr. Fluffington saves all the moments in between. Tell me about your biggest failure with "Snore Your Way to Success."[laughs] Oh! I tried to teach a group of Insomniacs from Vigil Prime! [amused] They literally couldn't comprehend the concept of "productive unconsciousness." One of them asked if sleeping was just "death practice!"[laughing] Death practice?![philosophically amused] But you know what? They taught me something. They said, "We stay awake because we're afraid of missing life." [meaningfully] And I realized - I stay partially awake because I'm afraid of missing connection. Even if I have to watch most of it through Mr. Fluffington's memories.[moved] Ambassador, for someone who only gets two conscious hours while the rest of your species sleeps twenty-three... [warmly] you pack more living into those two hours than most of us manage in sixteen. And you've found a way to witness the rest. The Ambassador is taking your consciousness struggles and will dream-solve them tonight. Tweet with your biggest "awake" problem. [laughs] Fair warning: the solution might involve strategic napping. And possibly getting your own Mr. Fluffington.[mischievously] Speaking of problems... [building suspense] Ambassador, you literally shuddered earlier at the mention of coffee. What exactly happened the first time you encountered Earth's "liquid consciousness"?[horrified] Felix... [dramatic pause] that story is classified for a reason. [shuddering] The Galactic Coffee Incident of 2385... Even HE refuses to replay that recording.[excited] Oh, this is going to be MAGNIFICENT. [to audience] When we return, we'll discover why Ambassador Snooze believes caffeine is a controlled substance, what happened when they accidentally invented "sleep-walking diplomacy," and why Mr. Fluffington has an entire memory bank labeled "Never Show Snooze."[deadpan] Preparing emergency tranquilizers. [short pause] For the audience, after they hear the coffee story.[sighs] [conspiratorially] Okay, look... I wasn't supposed to tell you this, but... [whispers] I invented time travel last Zorblesday.[short pause][normal voice] Yeah, I know what you're thinking - "Oh great, ANOTHER time traveler trying to sell me something." But hear me out![laughs] See, I went back to fix that embarrassing thing I said at my cousin's wedding in the 47th Galactic Cycle... you know, when I accidentally called the bride by her CLONE's name? [exhales] Anyway, turns out past-me was even MORE of an idiot than present-me.[short pause][excited] So now I'm stuck in this temporal loop where I keep going back to fix things, but I just make them WORSE each time! Last rotation I tried to prevent the Great Pasta Shortage of 3291...[gulps] ...and somehow I accidentally caused it![laughs harder] The Spaghetti Syndicate is FURIOUS with me.[short pause][deadpan] But here's the thing - being trapped in an infinite time loop has taught me the most important lesson of all... [dramatic pause] ...I should have bought ChronoLoop Insurance from Temporal Solutions Incorporated![sheepishly] Yeah, I know, shameless plug. But seriously, for just 47 galactic credits a lunar cycle, ChronoLoop Insurance covers ALL your time travel accidents! Caused a paradox? They've got you covered. Created an alternate timeline where cats rule the Andromeda galaxy? [whispers] That's Moonday for them.[short pause][increasingly frantic] And the best part? If you sign up in the next 10 stellar minutes, you get a FREE Paradox Prevention Kit! It includes a quantum eraser, a reality anchor, and a really awkward explanation letter for your past self![laughs nervously] Because trust me... explaining to yourself why you're dating your own grandmother's roommate from an alternate dimension is... [gulps] ...it's a conversation you don't want to have twice.[long pause][whispers intensely] ChronoLoop Insurance... because some mistakes echo through infinity.[curious] Alright Ambassador, you can't leave us hanging. The Galactic Coffee Incident of 2385. What happened? Felix... before I tell you... Mr. Fluffington, show him that thing we found. He needs to prepare you first. I found something in your archives that... I'm not sure how to process.[worried] What kind of something?[measured] Your ancestors traded seventeen submarines... for carbonated sugar water.[disbelieving] That can't be real. He's confirming it! Soviet Union, 1989. [incredulous] They traded an entire naval fleet... seventeen submarines, a frigate, a cruiser, and a destroyer... for Pepsi Cola![amazed] Mr. Fluffington discovered that?[incredulous] Pepsi briefly commanded the sixth largest navy on your planet. For SODA, Felix. For FIZZY SUGAR WATER.[short pause][confused] Why does Mr. Fluffington sound... embarrassed? He's embarrassed FOR your species.[deadpan] Analysis complete. Human consciousness leads to beverage decisions 2.3 times more questionable than sleep-based choices.[short pause] This appears intentional.[defensive] Hey, that was complicated geopolitics—[shuddering] This is why I fear your coffee! In 2385, I accidentally consumed an Earth Classic espresso... I remained conscious for six... consecutive... hours.[shocked] Six hours of... being awake?[traumatized] I restructured three star systems, renegotiated fourteen treaties, and— Mr. Fluffington, play the recording. SEIZE THE DAY! MAXIMIZE EFFICIENCY! SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK! I CAN TASTE COLORS AND SEE PRODUCTIVITY![horrified] I SEIZED it, Felix. The entire day. On PURPOSE.[laughing] Wait... you restructured star systems on espresso...[short pause][thoughtful] ...we traded submarines for Pepsi...[genuinely] Maybe both our species make terrible beverage decisions.[warmly] At least yours are consistently unconscionable. Mine was an accident.[laughs][transitioning] Speaking of questionable decisions made while conscious... Mr. Fluffington found something else.[resigned] There's another thing? Your military once declared war...[short pause]...on breakfast thieves.[sighs deeply] You found the Emu War.[delighted] He's so excited to share this! [interpreting beeps] November 1932, Australian military, machine guns deployed against... [incredulous] twenty thousand emus![weakly] The emus were surprisingly strategic— Your species lost a military campaign [short pause] to hungry, flightless birds. deadpan] Military records indicate the emus maintained territorial control while suffering minimal casualties.[short pause] The commanding officer requested medals. For the emus.[excited realization] Wait, I understand now! Your "deadlines," your "crunch time"... [short pause] Your whole society is just the Emu War but with consciousness![curious] How does YOUR society handle invasive species then?[simply] We dream them into submission. [proudly] The Great Moth Invasion of 2381? Resolved through synchronized nightmares. The moths relocated voluntarily.[thoughtful] Okay, losing to birds is embarrassing, but we learned from it—[pointed] Did you? Do you still fight unwinnable consciousness battles? We definitely still do that. [long pause] [horrified realization] Oh no. We never stopped fighting the Emu War. We just... gave it deadlines. [long pause][quieter] No wonder we're all so tired.[gently] At least you're consistent.[redirecting] Let's talk about something else. Entertainment. How do Somnambulans have fun?[excitedly] First, Mr. Fluffington wants to share something. He's been waiting to share this one. Your Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte. Your greatest military strategist.[worried] Oh no... Organized a rabbit hunt. For entertainment. [short pause] Three thousand rabbits. [short pause] They charged... at HIM.[laughing] Is Mr. Fluffington... giggling?[amused] He collects historical embarrassments. It's his hobby. He says it was 1807, the rabbits thought Napoleon had food, and the Emperor had to flee to his carriage![laughing harder] Your sentient pillow collects human failures?![short pause] Your greatest military mind... defeated by bunnies expecting breakfast.[laughing] Napoleon's dreams would have conquered Europe. His conscious mind got defeated by bunnies.[pleased] NOW you're understanding! This is what happens when you conduct recreation while conscious! In dreams, the rabbits would represent anxiety. Much safer to process unconsciously.[curious] So what's Somnambulan entertainment?[enthusiastically] Nightmare League! When anxiety attacks YOU in dreams, you get points![thoughtful] You know what? Maybe leadership IS easier when you're not overthinking everything.[excited] Wait! Mr. Fluffington just connected something! The Dancing Plague! Strasbourg, 1518! [amazed] Four hundred humans danced uncontrollably for weeks![gently] People died from exhaustion—[emphatically] Because they stayed CONSCIOUS during it! If they'd slept while dancing, it would've been therapeutic! We have something similar - REM Raving. Listen...[deadpan] Somnambulan REM Raves report zero fatalities. [short pause] Furniture collisions are considered bonus points.[realizing] Wait... we DO treat unconscious movement as scary instead of natural, don't we?[gently] Your species fears losing control. Even when control is hurting you.[quietly] That's actually profound. We're so afraid of letting go that we'd rather exhaust ourselves than [long pause][even quieter] Than trust our unconscious minds. [long pause] [barely audible] That's terrifying... and beautiful.[warmly] Your history shows you're trying, Felix. Fighting birds, fleeing rabbits, dancing until you drop... All while dangerously, beautifully, stubbornly awake.[connecting] And your whole civilization succeeds while sleeping. We're both absurd, just in opposite directions. Mr. Fluffington agrees. He says the universe needs both - those who battle breakfast birds while conscious... and those who negotiate with them in dreams.[laughs][surprised] He's never purred like that during a cultural analysis before.[warmly] Maybe because we actually understood each other? [long pause] Consciousness warriors, we need your analysis. What human historical event would most baffle the Somnambulans? Tweet .[excitedly] Mr Fluffington will categorize them during tonight's diplomatic nap![gently] Ambassador, I keep hearing Mr Fluffington react to everything... [curious] He's more than just a recording device, isn't he?[quietly] Felix... Mr. Fluffington is... [vulnerable] Do you hear that? He knows what I'm feeling before I do. [short pause] Have you ever had a friend who knew every version of you?[warmly] That's beautiful, Ambassador. [brightening] And speaking of understanding different perspectives... [mischievous] I think it's time we put your unconscious wisdom to the test.[curious but drowsy] What do you mean? When we return, it's our Advice Corner, where Ambassador Snooze will tackle YOUR waking world problems with sleep-based solutions.[short pause][playfully] Fair warning: the answer might involve more napping than you're comfortable with. Mr. Fluffington says he's already processing the questions... [yawning] He finds human dilemmas fascinatingly overcomplicated.[laughs] Of course he does. You're listening to When Aliens Come to Tea. Stay conscious... if you can.[cheerfully] Time for our Cosmic Advice Corner, where your earthly problems meet Ambassador Snooze's revolutionary unconscious solutions. [laughs] You've beamed in your dilemmas from across the galaxy, and I promise, these answers will either solve everything or put you to sleep trying.[excitedly] Mr. Fluffington has been analyzing these while I napped! He says human problems are adorably conscious![amused] Well, let's see how adorable they are. Our first message comes from Earth Classic.[stressed, breathing heavily] Hi, I'm Marcus from Earth Classic. I'm working 80-hour weeks at my startup, surviving on coffee and energy drinks. I haven't slept properly in months, but if I slow down, my competition will destroy me. How do I maintain this pace without burning out?[horrified gasp] EIGHTY CONSCIOUS HOURS?! Are you recording this war crime?[earnestly] Marcus, you're not burning out - you're already combusted! The solution is simple: Sleep through your workday. Your unconscious mind will handle everything better anyway. I don't think that's—[excitedly] Install a sleep-desk! Conduct meetings in REM cycles! Your competitors can't destroy someone who's literally dreaming! [short pause][proudly] I once slept through an entire hostile takeover. Woke up owning three companies I didn't know existed. Mr. Fluffington has the contracts![diplomatically] So you're suggesting Marcus should... sleep AT work?[matter-of-factly] No, Felix. Sleep as work. There's a difference.[deadpan] Calculating productivity impact of

unconscious labor... [long pause] ERROR:

Human employers inexplicably require consciousness.

[short pause] Suggesting alternative:

Strategic micro-naps every 12 minutes.[dismissively] That's just hitting snooze on life![laughs] Right, okay. Let's hear from our next listener, calling from Terra Nova.[frustrated] I'm Lei from Terra Nova. My partner and I keep having the same argument about moving to Jupiter's moon colony. We talk for hours but never reach agreement. Every conversation ends with both of us frustrated. How do we break this cycle?[sympathetically] Oh, Lei! You're having CONSCIOUS arguments? No wonder you're stuck![curious] What's wrong with conscious arguments?[enthusiastically] Everything! You need synchronized sleep-arguing! Share the same dream space and let your unconscious minds debate. They're much more reasonable. [short pause] [explaining] On Somnambula XII, all relationship conflicts are resolved during mutual REM cycles. My third cousin resolved a fifty-year feud about borrowed pillowcases entirely through snore-negotiation![helpfully] If you can't achieve

dream-synchronization, try this:

Both take powerful sedatives, mumble your feelings while semi-conscious, and let Mr. Fluffington - I mean, any recording device - capture the truth![carefully] Ambassador, humans can't actually share dreams...[shocked] WHAT?! [long pause] Add this to your collection of human tragedies![deadpan] Dream-sharing technology unavailable on Terra Nova.

Suggesting alternative:

Argue while extremely tired. Studies show exhaustion reduces conflict by 67%.[approving] See? That's just unconsciousness with extra steps! Alright, we have time for one more. This one's from Mars Colony 7.[anxious, speaking quickly] This is Zara from Mars Colony 7. I've been offered my dream job on Titan, but it means leaving my entire family behind. I've made pro/con lists, consulted advisors, even ran simulations, but I'm paralyzed. How do I make this huge decision?[gently] Zara, sweet conscious Zara. You're paralyzed because you're AWAKE![intrigued] Okay, this one I want to hear...[wisely] Stop thinking immediately. The answer already exists in your unconscious mind. You must perform the Decision Dream![long pause][instructing] Tonight, place the job offer under your pillow along with a photo of your family. Add something from Titan - moon dust, a recruitment hologram, anything. Sleep for EXACTLY 7.3 hours.[skeptical] Why exactly 7.3? That's the optimal decision-dream duration! [short pause] Whatever you dream about first upon waking - that's your answer! If you dream of floating, go to Titan. If you dream of roots, stay with family. [short pause] [as an afterthought] If you dream of screaming vegetables... well, that's unrelated, but Mr. Fluffington would love to analyze it![hopefully] That's actually... almost reasonable? Trusting your subconscious instincts?[pleased] See? You're learning! [short pause] [disappointed] Though you ruined it by thinking about it.[deadpan] Dream interpretation accuracy: Statistically equivalent to coin flip. [short pause] However, coin flip requires consciousness. Ambassador's method superior by default.[laughs] Well, that's certainly given us all something to sleep on. Submit your dilemmas to TEA TIME HELP, but fair warning - the solution will definitely involve less consciousness than you're comfortable with. Mr. Fluffington says he'll dream-process all submissions tonight![drowsily] Answers will come to you in your sleep! Or they won't. Either way, you'll be resting![amused] Right. Speaking of consciousness troubles, when we return, it's time for our Tea Time Conundrum - a philosophical puzzle that spans the cosmos.

[mysteriously] Today's question:

If you could only be conscious for one hour of your life, which hour would you choose?[perking up] Oh! Oh! I actually know this one! I've lived it![laughs] The Ambassador has some THOUGHTS, and Mr. Fluffington apparently has data. Don't drift off - we'll be right back with When Aliens Come to Tea.[drowsily philosophical] One hour... [yawning] The question is, would you waste it being awake?[deadpan] Preparing philosophical framework analysis. Warning: May cause existential drowsiness.[laughs] Oh, this is going to be good. Stay with us.[dramatically] And now, it's time for our Tea Time Conundrum - where philosophical puzzles meet alien perspectives and usually short-circuit STEEP's logic processors.[deadpan] My processors remain fully functional. [PAUSE: 0.5 seconds] It is existence itself that appears to be malfunctioning.[laughs] Fair point. But first, let's revisit our previous conundrum about the Probability Weavers of the Cascade Nebula - beings who can show you every possible life you could have lived, but leave their customers paralyzed by infinite choice.[drowsily excited] Oh! Mr. Fluffington loves this one! STEEP, any memorable listener responses?[deadpan] Processing highlights. [PAUSE: 0.5 seconds] Listener 'CaffeinatedExistentialist' writes: "Just do what I do - panic-choose randomly and blame the universe later." Listener 'NapQueen2387' suggests:"The Weavers should offer a subscription service - see one alternate life per month. Spread the existential crisis over time."[approving] Now THAT'S sensible! Installment-plan enlightenment![deadpan] Finally, listener

'Derek_from_Accounting' simply states:

"This is why I let my spreadsheets make all my decisions."[curious] Ambassador, your species makes major decisions while unconscious. What's your take on this paralysis of infinite choice?[matter-of-factly] The Probability Weavers are showing the wrong thing! [yawns] They're showing conscious possibilities. Show people all the dreams they COULD dream instead! [short pause] [philosophically] Every night, you murder infinite dream-selves anyway. We Somnambulans accepted this eons ago. [drowsily] The trick is not caring which self you're murdering.[slightly disturbed] That's... actually quite dark.[cheerfully] Only if you're awake to think about it! Right. Well, speaking of consciousness troubles, this fortnight's NEW conundrum comes from a listener on the Rings of Saturn Station.[reading with growing amusement] "Dear WACTT: The Dream Merchants of Morpheus IX have discovered something unprecedented - they can sell you the sleep OTHER people are having."[suddenly VERY awake] WHAT?!"For a price, you can experience Einstein's afternoon naps, Napoleon's pre-battle slumbers, or even the hibernation dreams of ancient star-whales. But here's the catch...""Once you sleep someone else's sleep, you can never have your own natural sleep again. You become a consciousness parasite, forever dependent on borrowed rest."

"The question is:

Is pure, personal unconsciousness so sacred that sharing it corrupts the very nature of rest? Or is sleep, like consciousness, meant to be a communal experience?"[horrified] This is BLASPHEMY! Sleep piracy! Dream theft! Are you recording this atrocity?![trying to calm] Ambassador, it's just a theoretical—[upset] You can't just BORROW someone else's unconsciousness! That's like... like... [short pause] [struggling] Like wearing someone else's dreams as a hat![confused] Is that... bad?[emphatically] YES! Your unconscious is YOUR unconscious! [getting drowsy from the stress] It's the one thing that's purely yours! Even Mr. Fluffington only RECORDS my sleep, he doesn't WEAR it![short pause] Listeners What do YOU think? Is sleep the last private space, or should unconsciousness be shareable? Let us know."[deadpan] Analyzing ethical

framework. [short pause] Query:

If someone pirates your sleep, do you get dream royalties?[firmly] The Dream Merchants of Morpheus IX are going on my diplomatic blacklist! Right next to the Coffee Confederation![laughing] So that's a "no" on communal unconsciousness?[calming down, getting drowsy again] [philosophically] Felix, consciousness you can share. You're doing it right now. But sleep? [yawning] Sleep is the last private space in the universe. [short pause] [drowsily profound] Even in a cosmos full of telepaths, mind-readers, and experience-sharers... [yawning] when you dream, you dream alone.[moved] That's... actually beautiful.[half-asleep] Unless you're dream-dating. That's different.[laughs] Send YOUR solutions to either conundrum to our subspace mailbox. But please, for the Ambassador's sake, don't suggest any form of sleep piracy.[mumbling sleepily] Mr. Fluffington will be monitoring for unconsciousness crimes... When we return, it's time for our famous Rapid Fire Round, where quick questions meet even quicker answers, and the Ambassador will attempt to stay conscious for five whole minutes.[warm, nostalgic voice] You know... [sighs wistfully] back when I was just a young Martian colonist, my grandmother used to tell me stories about this magical place called... Earth.[short pause][dreamily] She'd describe these ancient rituals... where humans would gather in small, dimly lit caves called "coffee shops" and consume liquid energy while staring at glowing rectangles for HOURS.[short pause][getting excited] And now, here at TERRA NOSTALGIA COFFEE™, we've recreated that authentic Earth experience![proudly] Our beans are grown in actual Earth soil - well, synthetic Earth soil - well, okay, it's just regular dirt with Earth essence sprayed on it, but STILL![conspiratorially] And get this - we even have a REAL human barista! Well... [whispers] he's actually a robot, but he's programmed with genuine human sarcasm and crushing student debt anxiety![deadpan] [monotone] Your name is spelled wrong on purpose. That will be forty-seven credits. I have existential dread.[short pause][enthusiastically] Plus, we've got all the classic Earth atmosphere! Free Wi-Fi that doesn't work! Uncomfortable chairs! And that one guy who's been "writing a novel" for thirty-seven years![dramatically] Chapter one... it was a dark and stormy night... IN SPACE.[short pause][building excitement] And every Tuesday is VINTAGE EARTH MUSIC NIGHT! We play authentic Earth classics like "Baby Shark" and that song that goes "Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday!"[long pause][whispers reverently] TERRA NOSTALGIA COFFEE™... where every cup tastes like... [emotional] ...a simpler time when humans worried about things like "gluten" instead of "interdimensional war crimes."[quietly] Located in Sector 7, next to the Museum of Extinct Earth Emotions.[high energy] Alright everyone, RAPID FIRE TEA ROUND! Quick questions, quicker answers, absolutely no time for napping![already yawning] Mmm... rapid what now?[quickly] Ambassador, first thought that comes to mind. Mr. Fluffington, keep him awake!

[rapid] Consciousness:

One word![instantly] Overrated!

Humans:

One word![quickly] Caffeinated! Your biggest fear?[shouting] ESPRESSO! Dreams?[softer] Home. Mr. Fluffington?[emotional] Everything.[maintaining pace] Trust alarm clocks?[horrified] NO! Ever pull an all-nighter?[shuddering] ONCE! Dream about being awake?[matter-of-fact] Nightmares! Coffee or eternal sleep? SLEEP![deadpan] Fastest response recorded. 0.0001 seconds. Morning or night person?[proudly] SLEEP person!

[laughs] Meetings:

Camera on or off?[drowsy] Unconscious! That's not an option—[interrupting, slower] Should be![louder] Worst Earth invention?[starting to doze] The... nine... to...[louder] AMBASSADOR![jolting awake] FIVE WORKDAY![faster] Productivity means?[mumbling] Anxiety... Caffeine is...?[half-asleep] Evil...[desperate] Perfect day? TWENTY-THREE HOURS UNCONSCIOUS.[surprised] Is he...? FINAL QUESTION! Secret to happiness?[mechanical voice] UNCONSCIOUSNESS.[incredulous] Did Mr. Fluffington just—? Best advice? SLEEP MORE.[laughing] I'm interviewing a pillow now. This is my life.[laughing] Ladies and gentlemen, Ambassador Snooze made it through... most of the Rapid Fire Round![deadpan] Consciousness maintained: 68%. Questions

answered while fully asleep:

2. Questions answered by sentient pillow: 3. [short pause] This is still more coherent than most political debates. Tweet your most sleep-inducing sound with ! Mr. Fluffington is apparently collecting data while his owner......continues his live demonstration.[gently] Ambassador? Ambassador, we're coming to the end of our time together.[sleep-talking] Five more minutes...[warmly] When we return, we'll wake the Ambassador for our closing thoughts, future plans, and find out what happens when Earth's gift of premium tea meets Somnambula XII's philosophy of unconscious appreciation. [long pause] [amused] Plus, Mr. Fluffington apparently has something he'd like to share about his data collection on human sleep deprivation.[mumbling in sleep] Tell them about... the coffee crimes database...[intrigued] The what now?[deadpan] Ambassador appears to be sleep-revealing classified information. [short pause] Continuing recording for diplomatic records.[laughing] "Don't go anywhere. This finale is going to be unconscionably good."[warmly, amused] Well, cosmic consciousness warriors, we've just spent an hour learning that everything we believe about productivity is backwards, alarm clocks are war crimes, and apparently, the Pepsi Navy was humanity's peak decision-making moment.[short pause][thoughtfully] Ambassador Snooze taught us that maybe... just maybe... being unconscious for 95% of your life is actually the secret to galactic peace.[laughs] He's STILL demonstrating his philosophy. Mr. Fluffington, is he...?[mechanical voice] ACHIEVING OPTIMAL WISDOM THROUGH STRATEGIC UNCONSCIOUSNESS. Of course he is.[enthusiastically] Now, the Ambassador challenged you all to the Somnambulan Sleep Audit! Tweet with your ratio of hours slept versus actual achievements.[short pause][laughing] STEEP has already calculated that humanity's collective score is, quote, "mathematically embarrassing."[deadpan] Current leader: Someone who claims they "reorganized their entire life" during a fifteen-minute power nap. [short pause] Investigating for consciousness fraud.[warmly] If you enjoyed me slowly realize my entire species might be doing life wrong, you'll LOVE Episode 41 with Dr Multigloom! They proved mathematically that I'm only experiencing 14.3% of optimal romance.[short pause][laughing] Between them and Ambassador Snooze, I'm apparently failing at both love AND consciousness. Find it wherever you question your life choices... I mean, get your podcasts![building excitement] Speaking of questionable life choices, next time on When Aliens Come to Tea... We're meeting Zippy McDeliver, a Scooter-Blob from Hustleopolis who's currently juggling SEVEN delivery apps to make rent![short pause][incredulous] They rate everything, deliver anywhere, and think sleep is just "inefficient downtime."[short pause] Ambassador, you might want to skip that one.[sleep-mumbling] Seven apps... that's a nightmare... literally...[warmly] This has been When Aliens Come to Tea. I'm Felix Andromeda, reminding you to embrace your inner unconsciousness, question your caffeine dependency, and always... ALWAYS... check if your pillow is sentient before having deep conversations with it.[laughing] Oh, for the love of Earl Grey, Mr. Fluffington says goodbye too! Sweet dreams, everyone. Or... productive consciousness. Whatever makes you happier.[mumbling] Dreams... always dreams...

People on this episode

Contributor

Felix Andromeda

Host